Know Your Students: When to Take a Hard Line and When to Back Off

It’s easy to forget that all students have different personality styles. As educators, we often adopt one way of motivating regardless of the individual we are dealing with. For instance, I know a guidance counselor who is a former football coach, and speaks to all of his students as if they are players on his team. Needless to say, this style is not always effective. Taking a hard line may work for some, but certainly not for all students. It is important to keep in mind that even seemingly unimportant factors like tone of voice when we speak with young people can have an impact. My ex-coach acquaintance typically maintains a coach-style tone with all students, sometimes to his detriment. Sometimes we simply need to back off or self-efface in order to be effective motivators. I have found myself talking too much, too fast, too loud, and too impatiently in tutoring sessions many times. Similarly, I’ve sometimes been too laid back, too “cool.” Adapting is not always easy because it’s human nature to want to be heard, but knowing when your words and tone are effective and when you should turn them down is vital in this field. Here are some guidelines to help you know when to moderate:

Bud Kilmer is not for everyone: Jon Voight’s football coach persona in the movie Varsity Blues may be an extreme example and certainly I hope most educators are not as aggressive as he was, but the point is well taken: pressure doesn’t always equal results. Kilmer’s strategy of motivation was to degrade in order to inspire, which maybe works for some people, but I would be wary of this tactic when working with adolescents and young adults who are certainly prone to emotional vulnerability. Once you’ve hurt them, you’ve lost them. Be careful with the extent to which you employ “tough love,” and keep your students’ developmental stage in mind.

Don’t coddle: Speaking of emotional vulnerability, it is sometimes tempting to “walk on eggshells” around students and overpraise, particularly when they are struggling or when you do not feel a rapport. Don’t underestimate young folks’ intuitive ability. They can tell when you’re laying on the sap too thick. Of course praise is great, but like anything, you must use it in moderation or you run the risk of your students wondering just how sincere you’re really being. Adolescents are highly skilled at picking out “fakeness,” just watch Mean Girls if you don’t believe me. Lesson: don’t overdo it. Be honest, be compassionate, be understanding, but lay it on too thick and you might unintentionally create a trust problem.

Take the situation into account: Things that to us adults may not seem like that big a deal can be much more serious to the adolescent mind. It’s important that we are aware of our students’ situations, which can change constantly. Historically, when I’ve tutored kids who have just had an argument with a parent, I need to give them the benefit of the doubt, watch my tone and be non-confrontational. I have to keep in mind that when I would fight with my parents, I would sometimes feel the aftereffects for the rest of the day. Obviously, this can affect one’s academic performance on that day. Don’t assume that your student is just being difficult. Remember, if you’re a tutor, you’re getting him after a full day, in which many things have probably happened. Adjust your tone and style accordingly.

Adaptation is key. Sometimes during a day of tutoring, I feel like I’ve taken on four or five different personas. I’ve been a little of Bud Kilmer to one student, more of a friend to another, and more aloof to yet another. This is not to say that I am being unauthentic, but rather that depending on the person and the situation, whether to use the good cop or the bad cop mode is not always clear cut. More often than not, you have to be an amalgam of both.

Written by Phil Lane